The Passive–Aggression of Matthew Williams
by Hane no Zaia
Summary: HIATUS. I am Matthew "Maple" Williams, 19, also unknown as Who? Invisible eighty-seven percent of the time, mistaken for my brother for the remaining thirteen. This is my story. This is my life. And this... this is my blog.
1. Introducing Matthew Williams

_**Introducing…**_

_**The Passive-Aggression of Matthew Williams**_

_**In which Matthew Williams is a passive-aggressive future [ *something* ] (with a blog)**_

_**Starring…**_

_**Matthew Williams **__as the passive-aggressive nobody who just happens to be the blogging protagonist_

_**Arthur Kirkland **__as his neglectful [ *something* ] (who also works as a college professor)_

_**Alfred F Jones**__ as the self-proclaimed hero (and general nuisance)_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia. I just find playing around with the characters rather amusing.**_

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**Introducing Matthew Williams**

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Furious typing was heard in the middle of the night. However in truth it was not heard at all by anyone as the one typing was listening to loud music in his headphones and because anyone else who might have heard it did not over the sound of snoring coming from the neighbouring room on the opposite side of the hall.

Outside, where the full moon shone upon the suburbs, a small owl hooted softly where it sat in a nearby tree, seemingly oblivious to the fact that a hungry stray cat was eyeing it from the shadows.

The cat pounced and the until then silent night was shattered by the owl's screech as it took to the skies, barely having escaped with its life, all while the cat looked mildly disappointed before heading off to hunt elsewhere.

The one typing looked up briefly, his fingers stilling. After one look towards the slightly open window and another towards the hall outside his room, eyes - more violet than blue – turned their attention back to the laptop, reading what was on the screen. Briefly, eyebrows furrowed, but then the pointer was directed towards a small button on the screen which read "Post New Entry", pressing it.

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**The Maple Blog – Introductory Post**

_I have always been invisible, though certainly not by choice, I can assure you of that. _

_Alfred, my older brother and fraternal twin (regrettably), has always overshadowed me. _

_This started way back, even before we both made it into this world by a Caesarean section, simply because dear old Al needed to be liberated from the womb by surgical means to avoid him getting strangled by his own umbilical cord. _

_Personally, even though I am by no means particularly religious or anything, I have theorized that this particular thing was God's doing and a deliberate attempt to save the world from the plague that is Alfred F Jones. _

_Let me just go ahead and say this: Had me and Al been identical twins then it would no doubt have been __**my **__umbilical cord strangling him… and succeeding… or my infant self deliberately strangling itself only to be spared the torment of spending nineteen years as Alfred F Jones' "baby brother"._

_Regardless, Al has always overshadowed me, though certainly not by talent but merely due to the following facts:_

_One: He is loud and wants all the attention for himself._

_Two: He gets into trouble (and somehow gets me into trouble by default, because when people actually see me they mostly mistake me for Alfred and try to beat me up… which sucks big time)_

_Three: When it comes to reading the atmosphere, he is obviously illiterate._

_Anyways, let's ignore Alfred for a while (or for a long time, because I think being ignored is the thing which he hates the most) and focus on me, as I have yet to introduce myself._

_My name is Matthew Williams. I am a nineteen-year-old freshman at Hetalia International University College, and I am currently studying Literature. I know both English and French (I guess I could just throw in a lot of French-Canadian profanities for good measure just to prove that I can, but at the moment it'd seem pretty pointless), meaning that I am bilingual (unlike Al, that is unless 'Moronic' counts as a language XD)._

_And no, I am by no means badmouthing Al enough; in truth, he deserves so much worse, so let's view my passive-aggressive ranting about my dear brother's many shortcomings and general idiocy as a small revenge for the Hell said attention-seeking atmosphere-illiterate bastard of a hero wannabe has put me through during childhood, and now, since the Fates have oh so cruelly made sure we both got accepted into the same college, even though I had wanted to go to Canada. _

_That's where my father moved after he and mom got divorced and he got married to a French-speaking woman living in Quebec. Her twenty-six-year-old son FB just happens to be teaching French over here at Hetalia (for those who are not familiar with FB, I can sum him up pretty nicely for you: Being overly affectionate, especially on a purely physical level, he has a tendency to engage in borderline molestation and seems to have made it his goal to seduce and bed as many other college professors as possible, in alphabetical order. So far, he's gotten to K and has gotten stuck on our professor in English literature, AK, who by all indication would rather jump from the third floor than do anything with FB, I'm just saying)._

_Anyways, I am Matthew "Maple" Williams, also (un)known as Who? (Since few people have ever bothered remembering my given name and are persistent in their failures to address me with it, I have seriously considered renaming myself William Who simply to see whether or not someone can actually get my name right… okay, so not so seriously then, or seriously at all…). _

_I'm nineteen and I go to Hetalia International. I am invisible eighty-seven percent of the time and mistaken for my brother and punished for his "heroic"/moronic actions for the remaining thirteen. _

_I love Canada, hockey and maple syrup. _

_I have an idiotic brother with a hero complex and my neighbours are insane. _

_This is my story. This is my life._

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Entry posted on September 21st 2011, at 03:06 Local Time.

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	2. Posts Two and Three

_Hats off for my four brave reviewers (anon, the-destiny-of-one, Raivis-Latvijas and Joy)._

_Here is the continuation. ^ ^_

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**Posts Two and Three**

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**Revenge is Sweet**

_There are days when my special skills of partial invisibility and extreme obscurity come in handy, and today happened to be such a day. _

_Now, I won't go into much detail at the moment, but let's just say that I delivered divine retribution onto the fully deserving and utterly oblivious individual who burned my scale model of York (wanting to re-enact the Battle of York in 1812). I retaliated in the same spirit by burning his scale model of Washington, with the excuse that I wanted to re-enact the Burning of Washington in 1814… Al has refused to talk to me ever since and I am enjoying the blissful silence since I know well that it's only a question of time before he cracks. I wonder, does this make me the cruel and unpatriotic brother as Al has ungracefully accused me of being? (I pretty damn sure hope so XD)_

_Now, why were my special skills particularly useful today? Well… obviously because it gave me enough time to go through with my "heinous act" and ignite the thing before old pal Al figured things out and was able to stop me. Hurray for me._

_Anyways, when I grow up (though it does feel kind of silly to say that, considering my age and all) I suppose I could emigrate to Canada and join the secret service there or something, or do what an old acquaintance advised me to, deal drugs and become filthily rich, though personally I'm leaning more towards the secret agent alternative, at the moment at least. Or maybe I could become a spy and sell government secrets to the Russians? Maybe I should dedicate my life to become the Lex Luthor to the Superman thing Al has going on? _

_Nah, too much effort._

_Maybe I should just go ahead and aim for a career as a professional hockey player. Toronto Maple Leafs. Sounds like home already, doesn't it?_

_Anyways, I've got to go now._

_Maple Blogger out._

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Entry posted on September 24st 2011, at 20:53 Local Time.

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Comments: (2)

Followers: (1)

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"Earl Grey" has commented on your post "Revenge is Sweet"

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Earl Grey writes: _Heinous act or not, it was perfectly justified._

Maple Blogger writes: _Well,_ _I'm glad that someone agrees with me, as Al threw quite a hissy fit about it… ^ ^_

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**I Hate My Life**

_I nearly broke my neck today, falling down a staircase and all, due to having been pushed (accidentally, maybe) by my overzealous idiot of a brother who decided that slap-him-on-the-back-with-awesome-monster-strength seemed like nice way of greeting someone. _

_Lucky enough for me, I had something to cushion my fall somewhat, even if it was the bosom of a buxom Ukrainian sister of the scary Russian psychopath Ivan Braginsky. _

_Any other healthy male (who is not gay or in possession of a Lolita complex) would probably have revelled at the thought of having one's face buried in the bosom of said woman, but I certainly didn't as I was far too busy suffocating, dying of embarrassment and cursing at the pain in my twisted ankle, all at the same time._

_Then my obviously *heroic* brother who had caused my injury in the first place had another bright idea and decided to carry me all the way to the infirmary, bridal style, while I repeated the cursing and dying of embarrassment part all while apologising profusely to the buxom lady._

_I hate my life._

_Anyways, things got a little better after that. Dr. Wang (any jokes and he'll throttle you, guaranteed, and for your information… he knows kung-fu) assured me of my continued survival and afterwards I somehow managed to catch a ride home with my literature professor, who is also my neighbour. The ride home was spent discussing brothers and it assured me that even though Al shows certain signs of being the Devil's Incarnate, at least I do not have three older brothers who send yearly Happy-Birthday-I-Hope-You-Die-in-Agony-and-Soon cards. Then again, I do recall catching Al with a voodoo doll once…_

_Regardless of which, as I have yet to receive any death threats and my ankle isn't as painful anymore, I'll go ahead and regard this day as an overall success. _

_I survived after all, didn't I?_

…

_My literature professor, AK, turned out to be an unexpectedly cool guy, and considering I've known him as a neighbour for quite a few years that's saying something. I used to think of him as what he's been painted to be in the eyes of the students, as a slightly eccentric English gentleman with a fiery temper and a foul mouth when provoked. _

_As a neighbour there are four things about him that have always stood out in particular: his abysmal cooking, his garden and his love for and inability to handle alcohol. _

_Now, I will forever be adding "extremely" to eccentric whenever I describe him. I will not go into any details, but I believe I may just have been scarred for life._

_He's really cool though… freaking scary as Hell on occasion, but still cool._

_Anyways, my cool but extremely eccentric literature professor of a neighbour asked me for a favour today. More specifically, he asked me to look after his two nephews (?) PK and HK while he went shopping or something (I did ask him why he didn't put Al on this one, since Al's generally better with kids as he is virtually on the same mental level as them, but AK insisted that he would've been bad influence, something which I feel inclined to agree with). _

_Hence, my Friday afternoon was spent trying to keep said two nephews entertained with the minimum amount of destruction (AK has a lot of breakable stuff in his house… and it wasn't like I could very well join them in a game of soccer anyway with my sprained ankle and all). _

_Just for the record, we played cards (no bets involved), drew some pictures (no comment) and made some pancakes… it was pretty fun overall, and PK insisted that I come again since apparently I make awesome pancakes (yay ^^), but then again I doubt that it would be very appropriate since AK is kind of my professor and all that._

_Oh well, a onetime occurrence or not, I had fun._

_Now I only have that new bloody assignment to work on…_

_Cheers!_

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Entry posted on September 29th 2011, at 01:07 Local Time.

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Comments: (8)

Followers: (3)

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"Earl Grey" has commented on your post "I Hate My Life"

"Red Dragon" has commented on your post "I Hate My Life"

"Peter Pan" has commented on your post "I Hate My Life"

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Earl Grey writes: _Rough day, huh? Well, I'm glad that I have risen somewhat in your eyes, though I still do not get why you would consider yourself as "scarred for life" due to my supposed "eccentric-ness"…_

Maple Blogger writes: _You're Earl Grey? I should have known._ _Anyhow, eh… I sincerely hope you are not offended by anything I have written?_

Earl Grey writes: _Humph. I see no reason to be offended, dear lad. I'm highly amused if anything, particularly at your rather striking description of the Idiot._

Maple Blogger writes: _Well, I'm glad to hear that ^ ^_

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Red Dragon writes: _Eccentric doesn't even begin to cover it._

Maple Blogger writes: _Well, if you say so._

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Peter Pan writes: _The Bastard's a weirdo! He's totally into black magic and stuff! And you do make awesome pancakes!_

Maple Blogger writes: _Thanks, I'm glad to hear that you liked them. ^ ^_

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	3. Posts Four and Five

_Thanks for reviewing. ^^_

_Now…the continuation..._

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**Posts Four and Five**

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**My Computer is Broken :(**

_Alas, Al the Idiot Supreme has struck again. With his *elite* (virtually nonexistent) hacking skills he attempted to avenge his scale model of Washington (you know, the one which met its demise when I re-enacted the Burning of Washington as a revenge for him trashing my scale model of York) by searching my computer for blackmail material or whatever. _

_Due to my own rather healthy dose of paranoia I had already installed a fair amount of protections and booby traps to prevent such a thing, and in his frustration he somehow broke my computer. _

_Go figure. _

_Alfred F Jones, this means war._

_And for those of you wondering, I am typing this on the laptop my fellow hockey player Tino Väinämöinen had the courtesy of loaning me, all while he made a call to his Estonian friend, a notoriously skilled computer geek with a fair deal of talent when it comes to both information gathering and hacking to programming or just fixing broken things in general, computers in particular. It is still unknown whether or not he will be able to fix my laptop after Alfred hit it with his monstrous strength, but I sincerely do hope that he will be able to salvage at least part of the data which is on the hard drive, as nearly my entire collection of pictures are in there (Photography happens to be a hobby of mine). _

_(By the way, in case anyone's interested, here's a link to Tino's blog, Tinon Matkablogi. It's mostly in Finnish though, but he also has lots of nice pictures and drawings put up there in the gallery)_

_Okay, so now I'm off to retrieve my broken piece of equipment so that I'll be able to tag along with Tino to Mr. EvB after hockey practice tomorrow to see whether my stuff can be salvaged or not._

_Cheers!_

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Entry posted on October 1st 2011, at 14:03 Local Time.

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Comments: (15)

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"Earl Grey" has commented on your post "My Computer is Broken :("

"Joulupukki" has commented on your post "My Computer is Broken :("

"Red Dragon" has commented on your post "My Computer is Broken :("

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Earl Grey writes: _With the Idiot there is a good reason to be paranoid._

Maple Blogger writes: _Indeed. At one time he even climbed in to your house through an open window on the second floor while you were out running errands. Apparently he was looking for treasure maps or something, since you do have a lot of strange stuff up in the attic._

Earl Grey writes: _He did WHAT?_

Maple Blogger writes: _Um… oops?_

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Joulupukki writes: _I'm glad I could be of help to you :-) See you tomorrow then? ^ ^_

Maple Blogger writes: _Yes, Tino. And thanks a lot ^ ^_

Joulupukki writes: _Don't mention it. ^ ^_

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Red Dragon writes: _Starting a war with the Idiot Supreme?_

Maple Blogger writes: _Yes._

Red Dragon writes: _Need any help?_

Maple Blogger writes: _I don't think so, but thanks for the offer._

Red Dragon writes: _I have firecrackers if you need any._

Maple Blogger writes: _Nah, I think I'm good at the moment. I still need to make a plan._

Red Dragon writes: _I can assist you in that too._

Maple Blogger writes: _…_

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**My Supposed Temporary Salvation**

_EvB took one look at my computer and tiredly shook his head while mumbling something (presumably in Estonian). Then, rather unexpectedly, he examined it a bit more closely and smiled in triumph. _

_One "Hang on a sec" and forty-five minutes later, I found myself leaving Eduard's and Tino's shared flat with my stuff salvaged and reinstalled on Eduard's "old" laptop (last year's model) that he "didn't need" anymore (since he already had a new one purchased using the money he retrieved from designing other people's websites). I got it for free even, kind of, as long as I promised I would do him an ice-hockey-related favour later on. _

_Either way, I am officially proclaiming Eduard von Bock the God of Computer Technology (Sorry Im Yong Soo, but I have converted to a new IT-religion. Let's remain friends anyway, okay?)._

_Anyways, speaking of gods, the Anti-Christ (otherwise known as Alfred F Jones) decided to visit me in my room when I got back, presumably intending to "apologise" for wreaking my computer and all that. Imagine his surprise when he saw me typing on a much newer one. He asked me where I got it from and I straight-facedly replied that due to his unbelievable idiocy and ridiculous strength and consecutive wrecking of my comp, I had to sell my immortal soul to Eastern Europe in exchange for another one so that I would be able to finish my assignment on time. _

_My dear old brother, who knows very little of geography and history and seems to think that the Soviet Union still exists, paled dramatically, speechless for a staggering five minutes before he issued a wild protest in which it became quite apparent that he thought I had sold my soul to Ivan. _

_In all truthfulness, I almost cracked a rib in my efforts not to burst out laughing. _

_It stopped being funny when he attempted to take my new laptop from me, an action which eventually landed us in a quite compromising position on top of my bed. I somehow managed to get the laptop out of harm's way and slid it beneath the bed before engaging in an impromptu grappling contest with my idiot brother, somehow managing to get on top of him where I straddled his midsection and proceeded to try to strangle him. I write try, because unfortunately I was not very successful in my earnest efforts, and soon I found myself overpowered and flipped so that I was lying on my front with my arms on my back in a deadlock after a brief struggle._

_Naturally, finding myself in this kind of unbelievable situation, I couldn't help but say the first thing which came to mind, namely "This… is so gay.", something which caused my *homophobic* brother to remove himself from my immediate vicinity at the blink of an eye and at another he had already backed into the wall at the other end of the room, sputtering his denials. _

_You see, even though Al claims to be as straight as anyone can be, he is secretly crushing on a guy and has been doing so for years. _

_Hence, I myself have very few doubts of my older brother's sexual orientation, but frankly I don't care; I've seen it coming for miles. _

_As for my own sexual orientation, I am admittedly fairly open-minded and won't go into much more detail than that._

_Anyways, I was now able to add a nearly dislocated arm to my long list of injuries inflicted on my person by the oblivious idiot. _

_Oh well, what else do I have painkillers for?_

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Entry posted on October 2nd 2011, at 20:42 Local Time.

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Comments: (31)

Followers: (8)

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"Earl Grey" has commented on your post "My Supposed Temporary Salvation"

"Joulupukki" has commented on your post "My Supposed Temporary Salvation"

"Peter Pan" has commented on your post "My Supposed Temporary Salvation"

"Red Dragon" has commented on your post "My Supposed Temporary Salvation"

"linkED" has commented on your post "My Supposed Temporary Salvation"

"I'm Young So" has commented on your post "My Supposed Temporary Salvation"

"Monsieur Amour" has commented on your post "My Supposed Temporary Salvation"

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Earl Grey writes: _I sincerely pity the poor bastard who is that Idiot's love interest._

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Joulupukki writes: _A truly terrifying thought, I would have to admit, while at the same time I do find it strangely amusing._

Maple Blogger writes: _The gay thing or Al's serious misunderstanding?_

Joulupukki writes: _Both XD_

Maple Blogger writes: _…_

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Peter Pan writes: _Ewww… gay._

Maple Blogger writes: _…Says the kid who's still scared of catching the cooties._

Peter Pan writes: _Still… it's totally yucky._

Maple Blogger writes: _Really? Have you experienced it firsthand or something?_

Peter Pan writes: _Eww… No. Whatever, fag or not, you still make great pancakes._

Maple Blogger writes: _What's this with me being gay? If anything then Al's the one, although he is still in the closet so to say._

Peter Pan writes: _LOL_

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Red Dragon writes: _Your brother's an idiot._

Maple Blogger writes: _I know._

Red Dragon writes: _My offer to assist in your revenge still stands._

Maple Blogger writes: _Uh… thanks?_

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linkED writes: _The God of Computer Technology? That doesn't sound bad at all._

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I'm Young So writes: _What? You bloody traitor!_

Maple Blogger writes: _Convert, not traitor. Wanna join the ranks of the new religion?_

I'm Young So writes: _I'm still mad, but I'll think about it. Besides, your breasts still belong to Korea ;)_

Maple Blogger writes: _… What breasts?_

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Monsieur Amour writes: _Mathieu, if that's the way you feel then you should have told me about it much earlier ;)_

Maple Blogger writes: _… Francis, describing myself as "open-minded" in terms of sexual preferences does not equal me wanting to sleep with you._

Monsieur Amour writes: _Aw, don't be crass, mon petit. I'm sure we'd have a great time together if you just gave it a chance ;)_

Maple Blogger writes: _…Francis, we're practically brothers. Step-brothers. Don't you find the thought of sleeping with your step-brother even slightly disturbing?_

Monsieur Amour writes: _Why should I? There's no blood-relation and besides, you're the cutest thing ever ;)_

Maple Blogger writes: _… *shudder*_

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	4. Post Six

_Again, my thanks to those who reviewed._

_Now, have fun with this. _

_I'm off to work on my literature essay._

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**Post Six**

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**My Bro is an A-Hole**

_Maple, now I am seriously confused. Now I have what, eight followers all of a sudden? Who are you guys anyway? (I kind of do know who you are, but I still ask myself that question)_

_On second thought, never mind. After all, I am the one who shares sometimes extremely private details of my personal life on the internet since my sheer existence remains unacknowledged in the real world. _

_Yeah, so I've turned out to be a blogging attention whore, so what? _

_I'm tired of keeping it all in, all this bloody frustration that keep on building up inside of me, and I try to get it out through these passive-aggressive rants, supposedly. _

_Okay, now the passive-aggressive emotional bullshit is out of my system. _

_Let's get on with things, shall we?_

_I got kidnapped today, kind of, and it wasn't even the usual Al-dragging-me-to-places-I-seriously-do-not-want-to-be kind of kidnapping, but rather closer to an actual abduction (a surprisingly pleasant abduction, but still an actual one, courtesy of the hockey team at HI). _

_For the record, I was dragged into a car on my way home from campus and taken to an undisclosed location for a party / NHL highlights marathon. I didn't protest, much, once I had established the identity of my so called kidnappers and what they were planning (I still considered beating them all senseless with a hockey stick for surprising me, but was persuaded to refrain from doing so by Tino, the born negotiator)._

_Anyways, this weekend definitely made it into the top ten for me, even if I were a some point forced to call home and ensure that they didn't call the police and file a missing person's report and whatnot, but now afterwards I really can't see why I bothered in the first place; they rarely realise I'm there anyway so why would they notice my absence?_

_Also, Al threw a hissy fit when I called, proclaiming that he was going to come and save me and whatnot, demanding that I tell him where I was, something which I pretended to be ignorant of when I hinted that I had unexpectedly gone soul-searching in the Rocky Mountains._

_A while later AK called, asking me why Al was pestering him about letting him borrow his motorbike (indeed, AK has one, from his time as a delinquent… and he still uses it on occasion), snorting with in disbelief when I explained the situation to him. Then he proceeded to ask whether I needed a ride home or whether I had one already. _

_I ended up riding home in the back of BO's car, sprawled across the backseat while nursing a severe hangover and feeling sorry for myself in general while the designated driver, the silent Swede (Berwald), and the guy in the front seat, a still tipsy Tino Väinämöinen, engaged in a pretty one-sided conversation with Tino doing most of the talking and the radio filling out the silence with the sound of some old Swedish pop. ABBA, I think._

_When I was finally let off on the street outside the house, I was met with the semi-amused visage of AK as he tended the rose hedge and he then posed a polite but still rather amused inquiry as to whether I had had fun or not. I was just about to try and offer something slightly humoristic when Al suddenly came storming out, threw me over his shoulder and forcibly carried me into the house under my indignant protests and physical struggling._

_I was dumped into an armchair in the living room and interrogated, bloody interrogated, really, by an idiotic brother who seemed to be under the impression that I was a Soviet spy or something. _

_Gee, Al, get a reality check, would you?_

_I told him so, repeatedly, and then I tilted my head to the side and said something like "Why is it any of your business who I see and who I hang out with? It isn't like you cared before or anything, right?". _

_Now, for whatever reason, Al seems interestingly convinced that Ivan and I are an item. I wonder where the Hell he got that idea from? O_o_

_Anyways, in case you're reading this, Ivan, please don't kill me. _

_Kill Al, it was Al who suggested it. _

_Also, if you decide to get on with it, please perform the deed with a hockey stick and film it? _

_I would really like to see my brother's untimely demise since my own attempts on his life has so far been pretty unsuccessful._

_That is all for today, goodnight ^ ^_

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Entry posted on October 3rd 2011, at 23:54 Local Time.

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Comments: (21)

Followers: (14)

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"Earl Grey" has commented on your post "My Bro is an A-Hole"

"Monsieur Amour" has commented on your post "My Bro is an A-Hole"

"Red Dragon" has commented on your post "My Bro is an A-Hole"

"Awesomeness Personified" has commented on your post "My Bro is an A-Hole"

"Kolkolkol" has commented on your post "My Bro is an A-Hole"

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Earl Grey writes: _Well… it would certainly make quite a sight._

Maple Blogger writes: _Al being beaten to death with a hockey stick?_

Earl Grey writes: _Indeed. If it happens and someone catches it on film, please send me a copy. (Though I'd rather see it happen to the Frog actually… I'd even pay money to see that)_

Maple Blogger writes: _… Will do, AK (Are you serious?)_

Earl Grey writes: _…No comment._

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Monsieur Amour writes: _He still keeps that motorbike around?_

Maple Blogger writes: _Yes._

Monsieur Amour writes: _*le sigh*_

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Red Dragon writes: _I already said this last time, but your brother's an idiot._

Maple Blogger writes: _Again, I'm aware of this._

Red Dragon writes: _Loan me a hockey stick and I might be of assistance?_

Maple Blogger writes: _… Seriously?_

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Awesomeness Personified writes: _Kesesesese… if you wanted to be abducted Birdie then you should've just given me a call ;)_

Maple Blogger writes: _Thanks but no thanks._

Awesomeness Personified writes: _Why not? Come over and make me awesome pancakes or I might just drop in later and bring you over here myself…_

Maple Blogger writes: _I'm not going to comment on that._

Awesomeness Personified writes: _…Aw, you're such a killjoy._

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Kolkolkol writes: _We will become an item, __д__a__? ^ ^_

Maple Blogger writes: _?_

Kolkolkol writes: _I will torture the loud idiot until he loses his voice and then I will beat him to death with a faucet pipe and continue until he is flat so I can cut him up and sell his meat to various hamburger restaurants… all for you, __д__a__? ^ ^_

Maple Blogger writes: _…_

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	5. Posts Seven and Eight

_Thank you for reviewing and enjoy ^ ^_

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**Posts Seven and Eight**

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**Hi There**

_Hi everyone, all fourteen of you. The fact that anyone actually follows this blog leaves me mystified each and every time I think about it._

_Also, Ivan (?) thank you for your *kind* offer, but I am by no means ready for that kind of intimate relationship. I respect you a lot, but I seriously don't think that being anything beyond comrades would actually work since I have Al stalking me like a paranoid… something… and you have your little-sis doing pretty much the same thing, only armed with a butcher knife, so you must understand that I am merely looking out for my own wellbeing here._

_As for the fact that my brother now stalks me, even more than usual, and tries to hack into my computer, tap my phone calls and install surveillance equipment in my room, I do believe that he has been overwhelmed by the kind of brotherly possessiveness his Japanese friend likes to feature in his… rather explicit doujinshis. _

_Two words: "Brotherly Attraction". _

_The simple uttering of them causes me to die a bit inside, I admit. _

_Also, "Twister Twins", another one which gave me nightmares. _

_Now, how come I do know the contents of said borderline hikikomori's doujinshi? _

_The answer is quite simple: he accidentally dropped them and as the helpful person I am, I bent down to help him pick them up. _

_Admittedly, he grew quite red when I handed them back to him. I half-expected him to perform seppuku in front of me in order to preserve his family honour, but he merely sputtered an apology, looked like he was going to die from embarrassment and once again apologised profusely before taking off in a sprint down the hall._

_As for what I have to say to his credit, they looked quite well made and the drawing style was excellent. The absence of a believable plot and the virtual anatomical impossibility of certain positions were a bit of a disappointment however, but as far as I know Eliza would no doubt approve of them… with a severe nosebleed and drool coming from her mouth while doing so, I am fairly certain of that._

_Anyways… as my well-deserved break is swiftly approaching, I might as well inform you that I will be throwing darts at a map of North America and will be visiting the places I manage to hit. Personally, I'm hoping for Toronto. Quebec is fine too, since I need to brush my French up a bit since I haven't used it in quite a while. _

_So, what about you guys? Any plans for the weekend?_

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Entry posted on October 4th 2011, at 22:51 Local Time.

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Comments: (37)

Followers: (15)

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"Earl Grey" has commented on your post "Hi There"

"Monsieur Amour" has commented on your post "Hi There"

"Red Dragon" has commented on your post "Hi There"

"Awesomeness Personified" has commented on your post "Hi There"

"Joulupukki" has commented on your post "Hi There"

"linkED" has commented on your post "Hi There"

"Vanya_Lover" has commented on your post "Hi There"

"Peter Pan" has commented on your post "Hi There"

"I'm Young So" has commented on your post "Hi There"

"Kolkolkol" has commented on your post "Hi There"

"Captain America" has commented on your post "Hi There"

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Earl Grey writes: _Plans for the weekend? Work, work, work and more work. Have fun on your "soul-searching adventure". (Also, you don't need to brush up your French; that language should be killed off and forgotten at the first available opportunity)_

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Monsieur Amour writes: _Oui, come over to my place and I'll have you speaking like a native in no time ;)_

Maple Blogger writes: _…_

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Red Dragon writes: _I could get you a cheap flight ticket to Hong Kong if you're interested in leaving the continent._

Maple Blogger writes: _…Thanks? (I still think I want to stay on this side of the Pacific though…)_

Red Dragon writes: _…_

Maple Blogger writes: _But I wouldn't mind visiting next summer if that's okay with you? ^ ^_

Red Dragon writes: _… _

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Awesomeness Personified writes: _Let's go to Ontario! Kesesesese~_

Maple Blogger writes: _Let me guess… New Prussia?_

Awesomeness Personified writes: _Jawohl! It's simply too bad the old one doesn't exist anymore… Totally not awesome. :(_

Maple Blogger writes: _…_

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Joulupukki writes: _I'm going skiing up north with the rest of the Nordics. You can come too if you'd like ^ ^_

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linkED writes: _I'll be staying home to work on my latest project._

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Vanya_Lover writes: _I'll be with_ _брат_.

Maple Blogger writes: _With Ivan? Is he aware of that?_

Vanya_Lover writes: _I want to surprise him._

Maple Blogger writes: _Okay. Good luck with that._

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Peter Pan writes: _I've got a new set of Lego :D_

Maple Blogger writes: _Good for you ^ ^_

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I'm Young So writes: _I'm off to hang with Yao and the others ^ ^ We're going to play old videogames! All their bases are belong to Korea! XD_

Maple Blogger writes: _Sounds like fun. Will you be claiming their breasts while you do it?_

I'm Young So writes: _:D_

Maple Blogger writes: _I'll take that as a yes._

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Kolkolkol writes: _I'll be hiding from Natalya, __д__a?_

Maple Blogger writes: _You do know that she also reads this blog, right?_

Kolkolkol writes: _O_o_

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Captain America writes: _Hey, Matt! Why are you hanging with these losers when you have the hero as your big bro?_

Maple Blogger writes: _Al-Pal… Why are you here, you bastard?_

Captain America writes: _Well, someone has to prevent you from being corrupted by the commies :(_

Maple Blogger writes: _…_

Captain America writes: _And for your info, bro… I am not paranoid! Stop spreading lies about me on the Internet! And I'm not stalking you either; I'm watching out for you!_

Maple Blogger writes: _You attempt to hack into my computer, try to tap my phone calls, try to install surveillance equipment in my room when I'm not around and follow me wherever I go while you're not doing the aforementioned._

Captain America writes: _I'm looking out for you, like a good big brother should!_

Maple Blogger writes: _By invading my privacy nearly 24/7?_

Captain America writes: _Big brother privileges!_

Maple Blogger writes: _Asshole._

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**Hi Again**

_I seriously hadn't been planning on making another post before going off on my "soul-searching adventure" or whatever, but recent events have called for a change of plans._

_First of all, Alfred F Jones, why the Hell are you following me, not only in real life but also here? Does the word "stalker" mean anything to you? It really should and it's creeping me out. Continue in the same spirit and I won't be coming home for some time… if at all, since Dad's over in Quebec and all… Though on second thought… _

_Okay, so let's scratch the above and go with what I want. I want to go to the University of Toronto, or maybe the Charleton University, join a hockey club while studying something pointless while hoping to get scouted to NHL and the Toronto Maple Leafs. _

_Unrealistic as Hell, I know, but it sounds kind of fun, doesn't it? _

_Besides, disappointment in life stalks me almost as fervently as you do, Al, so why not give the dream a chance (it'd get me far away from you, that's for certain) and let me either find happiness or give me the psychotic break I need in order to go live as a hermit in Northern Canada and be useful only by providing some emergency rations (myself) for a group of Canadian polar bears. Actually, living with polar bears starts to sound quite appealing to me for some reason, or maybe I should try with Grizzly bears first?_

…

_I seem to have discovered a streak of self-destructiveness in my character. Oh well._

_I'm off to throw darts at a map now. I do wonder where I'll end up._

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Entry posted on October 6th 2011, at 23:57 Local Time.

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Comments: (17)

Followers: (18)

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"Monsieur Amour" has commented on your post "Hi Again"

"Red Dragon" has commented on your post "Hi Again"

"Awesomeness Personified" has commented on your post "Hi Again"

"Joulupukki" has commented on your post "Hi Again"

"Kolkolkol" has commented on your post "Hi Again"

"Captain America" has commented on your post "Hi Again"

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Monsieur Amour writes: _Oooor… you just move in with me ;)_

Maple Blogger writes: _No thanks._

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Red Dragon writes: _My offer regarding Hong Kong still stands._

Maple Blogger writes: _Thanks… that's reassuring?_

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Awesomeness Personified writes: _Ooor we go to Ontario together ;)_

Maple Blogger writes: _Or not._

Awesomeness Personified writes: _Then how about spending Christmas in Germany with me and Bruder?_

Maple Blogger writes: _… I'll consider it._

Awesomeness Personified writes: _:D_

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Joulupukki writes: _Ooor you just tag along with us. We can take a trip deep into the Canadian wilderness if you really want to go hang out with Grizzly bears :D_

Maple Blogger writes: _I'm sorely tempted to accept your offer, but we'll see._

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Kolkolkol writes: _Join me in Mother Russia_ ^ ^

Maple Blogger writes: …_ нет._

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Captain America writes: _You're staying home with me and the rest of the family. (Also, I'm so not stalking you or anything so stop accusing me *sad face*)_

Maple Blogger writes: _FOAD, Al. _ಠ___ಠ

Captain America writes: _?_

Maple Blogger writes: _*obscene gesture*_

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	6. FML

_**And this, my dear readers, is where things take a turn for the strange.**_

_**This is also, so far, the last instalment of this fic. **_

_**Its fate largely depends on you, as I have yet to decide what I want to do with it after this – leave it as complete, make a sequel or just continue?  
><strong>_

_**Anyways, for those of you who've made it to the end, feel free/encouraged to tell me what you think I should go for.**_

_**Cheers!**_

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**FML**

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**Uh… Long Time No See, I Guess**

_Well, let's just say that my "soul-searching journey" turned out to be… quite deep… and cold… and full of polar bears._

_One even followed me back. I named him Kumajirou; I don't know why. I considered naming him Charlton after the former mascot of the Toronto Maple Leafs, but he didn't seem to like it._

_Also, there's another thing… He talks. No really, he does. _

_He doesn't say much, except an occasional "hungry" every once in a while and a "who?" whenever my name is mentioned. Irony. I somehow ended up with a talking polar bear and even he/it cannot bloody remember my name. I officially give up and shall rename myself "Who?" at the first given opportunity._

_Anyways, I've already told Kumakichi that I can't take him in because he is a part of an endangered species and all, but I don't think he listened to me… at all._

_So, with a talking polar bear in a tow, I went on a grand adventure and stuff until I almost managed to get myself killed in this great avalanche. And then…_

_On second thought… let's just say I got lost in the Canadian wilderness, ate some funny-looking mushrooms and wandered around in a hallucinatory state for days before my rescue arrived to get me. It sounds way more believable than what actually happened, so let's go with it._

_So, thank you Great Nordic Rescue Squad for pulling me out from beneath all that sno-… I mean, for taking care of me while I was high on hallucinatory mushrooms. Thanks a lot. You guys are lifesavers, seriously, so I won't even question how you managed to find me out there in the first place._

_Anyways, AK chewed me out good when I had been brought in and so then he dropped the bomb on me while I was in a conveniently immobile state. _

_Apparently, I'm the future God. _

_F**k my life._

…

_I think I'll be calling the quits on blogging for a while, since I now have a whole new set of problems to deal with in my life that I was not aware I had previously. Gee, and I who only ever wanted to become a professional hockey player… and restore the Toronto Maple Leafs to their former glory._

_But as things turn out, I have been a so called "God Candidate" since before I was even born. AK, otherwise known as Arthur Kirkland, my guardian angel (and a sloppy, slightly alcoholic one at that), tried explaining this part to me, but I am still not sure I got everything. It's either that or my ever logical brain rejecting it as another man's delusional fantasy in combination with far too much drugs and alcohol, but unfortunately enough for me, I am still here, in this situation, as a God Candidate._

_And do you know what the *best* part of this all is?_

…

_Apparently, I'm not alone._

_I have yet to decide on whether to laugh or cry regarding this matter, but I can pretty safely say that either way, the world is screwed._

_So… the preliminaries are here, aka "The God Candidate Elimination Contest". _

_Somehow, suicide seems like a rather tempting option at the moment._

_Anyways, so this is goodbye for me, probably. If I survive, then maybe I'll take up blogging again. If I don't, then I doubt that anyone except maybe for a few of you would notice, but then again I doubt that you'd care much; you have your own lives and your own sets of problems, so why would mine matter much to you?_

_See you later, or not. If not, then maybe in the afterlife._

_If nothing else, then thanks for listening._

_With love, and pancakes with maple syrup,_

_**Matthew Williams**_

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Entry posted on December 17th 2011, at 00:02 Local Time.

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Comments: (26)

Followers: (19)

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"linkED" has commented on your post "FML"

"Monsieur Amour" has commented on your post "FML"

"Earl Grey" has commented on your post "FML"

"Red Dragon" has commented on your post "FML"

"Awesomeness Personified" has commented on your post "FML"

"Joulupukki" has commented on your post "FML"

"Surströmmingssmörgåstårtan" has commented on your post "FML"

"Havdreng" has commented on your post "FML"

"Norwegian Black Metal" has commented on your post "FML"

"Ice" has commented on your post "FML"

"I'm Young So" has commented on your "FML"

"Kolkolkol" has commented on your post "FML"

"Captain America" has commented on your post "FML"

"God" has commented on your post "FML"

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linkED writes: _My deepest condolences_.

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Monsieur Amour writes: _About time ;)_

Earl Grey writes: _Shut up, you damn frog._

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Red Dragon writes: _Welcome to the Club._

Maple Blogger writes: _…_

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Awesomeness Personified writes: _Kesesesesese~ Awesome~_

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Joulupukki writes: _Come on, it'll be fun ^ ^ (at least it was fun back in the days when I participated)_

Maple Blogger writes: _…Really? You were in this too?_

Surströmmingssmörgåstårtan writes: _…_

Havdreng writes: _Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha_

Norwegian Black Metal writes: _Shut up, Idiot Brother._

Maple Blogger writes: _…You people were in on this too?_

Havdreng writes: _It was a long time ago. Viking age. Ice's a candidate this time around though._

Ice writes: _FML._

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I'm Young So writes: _Hahahahahahaha! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! XD_

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Kolkolkol writes:

Maple Blogger writes: _…_

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Captain America writes: _…You actually believe in this kind of crap?_

Maple Blogger writes: _…Says the guy who believes there is an alien living in his closet._

Maple Blogger writes: _…And the same guy who is secretly crushing on a guy although he still claims to be straight as a pin…_

Maple Blogger writes: _...Who is in essence a tiny bit smarter than a rock, but lacks its ability to read the atmosphere…_

Maple Blogger writes: _…Who claims to be the hero the world has been waiting for, all while he continues to inconvenience it with his mere existence and loud proclamation of it._

Maple Blogger writes: _In short, you don't have the right to judge me. Go die, pretty please._

Captain America writes: _… Mattie, WTF?_

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God writes: _Ha ha ha ha ha… funny that. __See you on Monday, little Mattie Maple!_

Maple Blogger writes: _…Oh for the love of-… You have got to be f***ing kidding me._

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**To Be Continued?**


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